I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
