I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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