toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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