Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
