i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
