This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
