i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
