I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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