??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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