dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
