lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
