im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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