my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the condom got lost in my hair
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
