Kiss
Puke
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
