every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
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Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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