I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
