Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
