Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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