Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
