I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
