the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
