I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
