Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
