Four minutes until I can fart!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
