Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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