Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
