If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
