I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
