your parents love me but you hate me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
