My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
