Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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