My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
