Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
