Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
