And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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