i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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