I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
