My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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