I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
