Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
