yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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