god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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