member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
