There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
