id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
