i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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