Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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