Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
