I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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