I want to make a zoo with you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
