i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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