Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
