i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
