What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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