is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize