He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
