The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
