YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
