If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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